So long, MOL, and thanks for the 2-for-1 sachets...

Ibiza Old Town, soon after departure to Girona

I’ve always respected, nay, admired Michael O’Leary. It’s not often we have an Oirish success story on the scale of his achievements with Ryanair. In addition, you can count on him to liven up an otherwise dull segment on The Last Word or Newsnight. And of course, spending four grand on a taxi plate so he could use the bus lanes of Dublin is hilarious!

That’s not to say, of course, that I enjoy surrendering myself to the tender mercies of his airline. Sure, they serve a purpose. I’ve enjoyed (if not necessarily remembered) many weekends away with the lads courtesy of Ryanair. And to be fair, I’ve never been stung by a last minute cancellation nor have I been significantly delayed. (Having said that, that ridiculous trumpet noise they play to celebrate “yet another” on time arrival does make me want to punch the pilot on the way out.. it’s not hard to be on time when you schedule 2 hours to get from Cork to London!) I’ve tolerated the rubbish customer care and I’m wise to the fact that “Milan” Bergamo is practically in the Alps. I read the press-release that it now costs €40 to check in at the airport. And I’ve learned to grit my teeth and suppress the ever-increasing rage that comes with the booking process:

• Priority Boarding? No thanks, half the time that just gets you onto a bus first!
• Travel Insurance?? No thanks.. now to find the ‘No Travel Insurance’ option from its random, unsorted location in the middle of the list
• €15 a bag? A bargain!
• No, I still don’t want travel insurance!
• NOOO!! I don’t want to rent a car! I know Girona isn’t really Barcelona but I’ve made arrangements!!
• And of course the final insult, the €10 ‘administration fee’ for the privilege of using my bank card. I think this one is everyone’s favourite.

But no more. I’ve had enough. It’s just not worth it.

"Barcelona" Girona Airport

We were in Ibiza and Formentera on our summer hols in August, and were travelling to Girona to meet up with Sarah’s parents. It was a bit of a novelty making an internal Spanish flight with a (nominally at least) Irish airline, and indeed it was slightly surreal listening to the Spanish crew hawking scratch cards to Spanish punters in halting English. This being an actual holiday, and not just a weekend away, we had an item of luggage checked in. This turned out to be 2kg over the meagre 15kg limit. Fair cop, I could have weighed it myself at home. €40 was the penalty for this infraction, so I swiftly jettisoned some toiletries to save 1kg/€20! Flying with Ryanair is about the little victories..

Fast forward 3 days and we’re back in Girona airport, returning to London after a very pleasant weekend with Alan and Ingrid. We left even more toiletries with Alan and Ingrid who were just starting their own holiday, so we approached the check in desk with cautious optimism.

14.8kg!!

Deep joy! The (half-empty) bag came in at a triumphant 14.8kg! In your face MOL! Buoyed by this success, we adjourned to the bar to wait for our flight. As usual, the pliant sheep had willingly started to corral themselves into the appropriate pen near the gate, long before the incoming flight had even landed. We seasoned veterans bade our time, but eventually joined the back of the throng. Still no sign of the incoming aircraft.

Thirty minutes later, nothing had happened. It was stifling hot, and there was clearly a delay. I accosted one of the Ryanair staff who was vigilantly marshalling us sheep, making sure we didn’t stray from Gate 2. Of course, they feigned ignorance. No idea where the plane was due in from, so we couldn’t check when it had taken off. Thus, we stood in meek, un-airconditioned, ignorant compliance.

Eventually, a Ryanair jet touched down, presumably sans triumphant trumpeting. The sheep shuffled forward, almost instinctively. Had they forgotten that the previous human cargo has yet to be disgorged allowing the cabin crew can hose down the pens for us? I tried not to think about the pilots rushing through their checklists in the face of time pressure. Did they carry the one when they calculated their take-off weight?

Soon the shuffling became purposeful. Our final passport check and the ritual tearing of the boarding card had taken place during the idle hour of waiting – during which time I and many others had left the secure area to use the facilities, returning unchallenged through the passport checkpoint! Security procedures about as tight as a bloody bouncy castle.

Approaching the gate, I noticed some people being brought to the side for some reason. Flustered girls, angry guys. Bags being opened and items removed. Shouldn’t this be happening downstairs at check in?? We rubber-necked briefly as we walked past – but wait! What’s this? I’m being challenged by the angry Ryanair flunkie!

“Can you put your bag into the sizing device please sir?”

Oh for fu...

I despatched Sarah aboard to fight for seats, while I put on my game face. Our piece of standard hand luggage was packed fairly full – a direct consequence of meeting the 15kg limit of course – but it had fit comfortably on the inbound flight. I approached the narrow frame, and attempted to stick the bag in. Clearly, it wasn’t going to happen. Nor would it for most people’s standard items of hand luggage. For comedy value/anger venting purposes, I noisily set about forcing it in, in a vaguely Mr Bean-ian sort of way, until-

“Sir, it has to fit in easily.. sir... sir.. you’re making a scene!”

I was informed that the bag did not comply with cabin guidelines, and as such, I was liable for a €35 penalty. There were several of us in the same boat, and the gist of our argument was that these same bags were all fine on the inbound flight, so it’s patently unfair to suddenly move the goalposts!

I attempted to appeal to her on a human level-

“Look, I know you don’t make the rules, and you’re just doing your job, but-”

But nothing, she was having none of it. And why would she? It seems that it’s standard practice across the industry for these people to be on a commission! My next gambit was to explore what would happen if I had no way to pay the penalty charge.

“The bag stays here!” she said, smugly. Of course I should at this point have threatened to refuse to travel, forcing them to unload my luggage from the hold, which would have caused a further delay... I suspect the holy grail of the 25 minute turnaround might have led us to reach a happy compromise. Unfortunately, I didn’t think of this at the time... and it would have been a risky manoeuvre if it backfired. Though I’ve never actually spent any time in Girona itself, and it looked lovely from the air!

Thus, defeated, I coughed up the dough. I assumed they would be taking my dangerously oversized bag and stowing it safely in the hold. No, all they did was apply a garish sticker, so my humiliation would be apparent to all as I carried it on board as normal. Needless to say, the bag slotted comfortably into the overhead bin with several inches spare.. sigh..

Obviously that was the nadir of the whole business, but it wasn’t the end of the ordeal. There was a family sitting in the row in front of us, and the father was up and down like a jack-in-a-box to the overhead compartment above me, getting infant-related bric-a-brac. The thing was, every time he accessed the overhead bin, he failed to close it again! The stewardess had to come down and close it for him. The fourth time he left it open, I piped up politely instructing him to close it, and he sheepishly complied.

Then he did it again.

Suddenly, I was hit on the head by one of his kid’s toys!! I wasn’t really hurt, but of course I was a bit shocked, and speechless that this clown had yet again failed to close the bin! I looked at him wide-mouthed, and after what seemed like an eternity, he muttered an apology!

Now obviously I can’t lay the blame for this at the feet of Ryanair, but it didn’t improve my mood..

My ordeal wasn’t finished yet. As we commenced the descent into London, the cabin crew barked out the usual fasten seat belts/stow tables/seat back to upright position commands, and then marched up and down looking for infractions. One of them reminded me to turn off my iPhone. “No problem!” said I, as I removed the headphones. The stewardess insisted on standing over me, arms folded like a schoolteacher while I unlocked the phone, went into the iPod, shut down the tunes, and shut down the phone itself. This overbearing display was ridiculous, frankly, and was the final insult. She received a visual reducer on my departure, though I think she didn’t realise why!

So that’s it. Never again.

Here’s what Ryanair say about their cabin baggage allowance, from their website (their emphasis):
Ryanair’s generous free cabin baggage allowance, of 10kg per passenger, is restricted to one bag into which passengers must place all handbags, laptops etc. This policy is enforced across the network, to ensure fairness to all passengers.

Generous indeed! And aren’t they great letting us bring on an item for free!

Anyway, I’ve ranted enough. It's been therapeutic.

Update: I've been sent this by my old workmate from Snap-On, Mark Watkins. Turns out I'm not the only one midly disillusioned with the low-cost no-frills model..

Doe a deer...

Autumn signals the start of the rutting (mating) season for the deer in London's Richmond Park. We ventured out on a lovely autumnal day to see it all in action.

I got some great photos of the stags strutting their stuff around the doe, mushrooms and a dog with a giant stick! We also stumbled upon a set that will be in the next Sherlock Holmes movie!

Kew Gardens with Niamh

Niamh popped over for a visit for a weekend. We did loads of walking in central London on the Saturday. Walked from Westminister to Tower Bridge, then onto Covent Garden to Oxford street. Bit of shopping had to be done of course!!

We visited Kew Gardens (3rd time for me but love it everytime!) on the Sunday and here are a few photos!